Extreme Ops is your Masterwork of Modern Cinema
And now for the first in a series of excellent reviews of terrible movies
Extreme Ops
Dir: Some dude who makes tv movies with Robert Carlysle playing Hitler.
Ok so here’s the “plot”
Rufus Sewell(that actor from the underrated Dark City who looks like the young version of Swearengen from Deadwood) plays an “extreme” commercial director who is making a series of “exxxxxxxxxxxxtreme” sports ads for a japanese camera corporation. So the opening fifteen minutes is a combination of cgi meeting decent stuntwork, until gasp! there’s some exposition. The co-owner of the production company(awful nameless actor #1 who gets no credit for whining his way through his performance.) has declared for the next ad “We will be winter sportsing in front of an avalanche.”(not an exact quote)
And then off to Austria….!
So next we are introduced to the crew of extreme ops made up of cameraman Will(Devon Sawa who got some of you ladies through your tween years and subsequently broke your heart by turning awkward cuteness into total grossness), cocky “EXTREME” boarded Silo(some british dude doing the WORST American accent this side of Keira Knightley’s barbituate laced drawl in The Jacket), snowboard punk Kittie(Jana Pallaske a fantastic German singer who unleashes pouty punk madness in a pink coat as she stomps over everyone in the film), and Olympic Gold-Medalist Chloe(Brigitte Wilson aka Mrs. Pete Sampras aka Sonya fucking Blade from Mortal Kombat) Oh yeah, there’s another German guy there for the ride, who seems rather unimportant in the whole scope of the film, other than sporting the harsh accent that Ms. Pallaske doesn’t have and translating for the crew in Austria.
And then skiing. And snowboarding for 15 minutes including a classic skiing off a roof over some fire waving tourists onto a bar scene!!!!!!!
Meanwhile there are EVIL SERBS who have faked the death of their general leader for some reason and are hiding out in the mountains at this unfinished hotel the “Extreme Ops” are staying at. That seems to be the full extent of the exposition because it’s time for…
more WINTER SPORTSIIIING!!!!!!! behind a train. And a parkour influenced chase scene with dogs and DDR songs(home version no less.) Oh wait and a night boarding scene with the lovely Jana at her rockinest.
Then more exposition in the form of a truth or dare scene that involves Mrs. Sampras popping the lovely Jana’s bubble gum with a fake kiss, instead of going for perfectly good PG-13 lesbianism. Devon Sawa leaves the tub and happens to videotape a hot chick who is doing this general guy and gets shots of them together, which is bad for them since they faked his death.
The ops get totally taken hostage by the general’s son who also is mad about the non lesbianism in the previous scene and DEMANDS the two lead actresses kiss.(Yes this really happens. Really it does.) Of course for some reason his compatriot does not like seeing girls kiss and they shoot each other mexican showdown style.
Whiney production guy gets captured by the Serbs. They must hate his acting too.
Which leads to their escape/a long ass hanging off a cliff sequence/the most absurd plot precedent/ deus ex machina i’ve seen since Sunshine/the most absurd death I’ve seen in a movie not named Snakes on a Plane.(I won’t spoil the fun.) Needless to say the ops are split apart and trying to escape the bad guys in attempt to get the movie to ninety minutes.
The generals hot model has SAVED the whiney production guy! They literally walk out the bunker door and are all of sudden they are free???!!!!!
Wait a second…somehow Jana has a rocket and is shooting at helicopters like it’s Rambo III, I missed something. REWIND…
Ok I still have no clue how she has a rocket or flare or whatever it is. Where’s the deleted scenes to fill in the blanks?!(The DVD is so ghetto, it doesnt even have a commentary or any accoutrements.)
Then of course they borrow a Jackie Chan moment, divide the coolness by about 100, and then somehow make it even lamer, which leads to the only good indecipherable good one-liner/trailer moment.
Violence over.(super lame as it was)
Of course ending happens, blah whatever.
But, wait there’s more!!!! In the ultimate moment of defiance to show how EXTREME!!!(last time) they deface the billboard that they almost fucking died for in an incredibly dumb moment of CGI, rendering the whole things even more worthless. Of course I guess the whole movie is essentially worthless from just the title alone, I mean how can they be OPS if they are just selling cameras.
Verdict: Makes XXX(with Vin Diesel you dirty minded peeps) look like Citizen fucking Kane. Amazing that this film made it to theaters and Run Ronnie Run went straight to DVD. However, Jana Pallaske is a hot, fantastic talent who has me wanting to see some of her German films that probably are pretty good. Time to start the bandwagon/fandom of Jana. Whatever about the film, it induced 90 minutes of writing books and blogging. And while it struggled for every point of it’s 6% Rotten Tomatoes score, it still proved to be more entertaining than Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.
Extreme Ops Trailer Of Trash
Jana Pallaske schools American rock singers how to be absurdly hot in a video.
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