I’m tired of hearing why Batman is sooooo great.
And since I’ve made the point of defending Speed Racer over Batman, I will give you reasons why it is in fact better than the so-called Dark Knight. First up,
5 Reasons Dark Knight isn’t that great
1. No Harley Quinn.
It’s a proven fact in modern Gotham that when you have the Joker you need Harley. It’s just not the same having this Joker character be oh so evil without the lover/star struck counterpoint Harley to check his power sometimes and call him a)Puddin’ or b)Mr. J. Oh and they need her pet hyenas, she has to have the “babies”. And frankly, she’s one of the coolest supporting characters in the whole Universe that is Batman.
2. Style
Frankly the movie had all the style of XXX. Didn’t see that one? How about any Uwe Boll film? Postal perhaps? Maybe even Robocop 3? Yeah that’s the one Robocop 3. It looked exactly as apocalyptic and ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh scary !!!!!!! dark as the fucking movie where Robocop flies with a jetpack and walks on water like Jesus despite carrying a huge semi-automatic pistol.
How about this all you Batman lovers, give me a call when you’ve seen 4 Mos 3 Weeks 2 Days(dir Christian Mungiu), Street Of Crocodiles(dir Brothers Quay), Dark City(dir Alex Proyas), and Sunshine(dir Danny Boyle) and then we’ll fucking talk.
3. Christian Bale as Batman channels 1990 WWF Champion The Ultimate Warrior.
Don’t believe me. Watch how the Warrior talks in comparison to Bale’s “subtle” Batman. Just substitute “Hulk Hogan” for “Joker” or “Two Face.”
4. No Batarangs. No Utility Belt. No Grappling Hook!?
Wait a minute isn’t that like having a Superman movie where he can’t fly, use heat vision, or have super strength!? Oh but, that would make the film so comic booky…. and we can’t have regular people thinking that comic books can possibly be good?! gasp!
5. No Coldplay song.
Because nothing says bloated and tired in 2008 like fucking Coldplay.
And now
5 Reasons that Speed Racer is in fact a better 3 star movie than so called Batman.
1. CGI that is adventurous.
This goes back to the idea of style, you see according to modern movie going audiences, style is bad. It’s true, because how else can so many hack directors be perpetrating action films with so little invention and still be allowed to direct. Speed Racer for all it’s flaws, is a great Sat morning cartoon with fantastic choices in editing, color, pace, all the way down to it’s reaction shots. It’s like someone read the source material. gasp!(unlike Batman which is almost the equivalent of making Crime and Punishment with a gun-toting Jason Statham as a character named “Raskal”)
2. Christina Ricci
10 Maggie Gyllenhaals(as good as she was in ze film and in secretary) will never = 1 Christina Ricci.
3. Sweet pan euro-asian cameos. At least 15 of them.
My personal fav, Moritz Bleibtreu of Run Lola Run fame as an evil racer. Of course Jana Pallaske is also in it. 10 point bonus.
4. Side characters that actually are awesomeness.
The kid who plays Sprittle literally steals the movie away from everyone in an “Even Stevens” Shia Leboeuf kind of way. I would’ve thought that having a monkey with a little kid was recipe for vomit inducing scenes, but the way both actors(monkey and kid) play their scenes, it makes for some good comic relief.
5. Better chase/race scenes.
I don’t like hummers racing with even slower trucks in tunnels that look pilfered from the set of Ronin. And I don’t like seeing cars wreck in almost the same way that Matt Damon seemed to do in the Bourne Supremacy, because frankly it was better the first time.Cover version of movie scenes=bad.
I do like crazy Mach 5s going through loop de loops and fireworks before crossing a huge checkered finish line that immerses the whole screen.
So as I said both movies 3 stars of okness, but if you want a good movie just go see Iron Man. Or better yet go rent Day for Night(dir Francois Truffaut) That one’s a winner.
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